29 Oct 2009: Crucial Conversations

"Give me a lever long enough ... and I shall move the world." - Archimedes

If I have an issue, do I want someone to tell me about it?
- Yes, in the right way.
- In the right setting.

Why don't you tell someone their trousers are undone?
- We may be afraid - the other person's attitude is challenging
- Past experience may inform a resistance to doing this

What are the costs of not taking on a crucial conversation
- parking lot veto (watercooler veto)

Everyone (93%) workes with an untouchable - someone dishonest, incompetent, bullying, conniving
- More than half say he's done if or more than 4 years
- They damage moreale, hurt customers, sap productivity
- Fewer than 1 in 8 are willing to talk about it

- 44% say they put in only effort required
- 75% say they could be more effective

Silence Fails
Five Crucial Conversations for Flawless Execution
* 150+ hrs of observation

Results
- Fact-Free Planning
- AWOL sponsors (need to check in regularly and often)
- Skirting
- Project Chicken (escalate and see who flinches first - choosing a whipping boy)
- Team Failures

- overbudget
- missed deadlines
- poor quality of functionality
- damaged morale
- no work-life balance

Wbat if people deal wit the crucial confrontation?
- cut dollar impact
- reduce cost savings

Leadership Skill
1) What results do you want that you're not getting?
2) What crucial conversation is ot being held or not being held well that perpetuates your problem?

When emotions kick in, you're unlikely to do your best.
As soon as a conversation changes, the motive changes. (No longer about project, but about winning the conversation - I'm going to dominate you!)

Identify:
1) What do I want for myself?
2) What do I want for the other person?
3) What do I want for our relationship?

What do I want to be better or different after this conversation.

We see facts and interpret them with a narrative (tell ourselves a story).
We generate an emotional response to our story - and act accordingly.
People see our reactions to emotions that are caused by a story not understood by the other.

Thoughts are electrical, but emotions are chemical.
Emotions have a shorter half life.
Identify if things aren't working and say, "Can we talk about this in 20 minutes?"

"The measure of success is not whether or not you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it's the same problem you had last year
- John Duluth

"What you can't communicate runs your life." - Dr. Robert Anthony
"Don't trade the possibility of an uncomfortable conversation for the certainty of bad relationshipas and results."

We are left to deal with the most complex and challenging conversations of our lives with the same set of skills we would use to deal with a salivating predator. (Blood leaver our brain and goes somewhere else when we're frustrated.)

Start with the Heart
- Learn to look (make it safe, master my stories)
- State my path (explore others' paths, move to action)

So what happened today?
- look for more facts to build a more complete story
- the more mutual respect, more shared goals, the safer we all feel

If someone said something that wasn't true, we should try to understand why someone would think that and understand their point of view. (Joseph Smith)

Name the game and take away the power the other peson is using against you.

Motives that Kill Dialogue
- save face
- look good
- keep the peace (artificial stability/remedy)
- avoid conflict
- win
- be right
- punish

If you're trying to deal with "the hog" through external controls, you never solve the problem.

Why do I need to identify my motive?
The motive you can't see controls oyu
you aren't that good an actor
If you can see it, you can't fix it
Questions provoke the brain

Learn to look for silence and violence
silence, withdrawng, avoiding, masking, DIALOGUE, controlling, labeling, attacking, violence

The sooner you notice you're not

IT IS AS HARD TO SEE ONESELF AS TO LOOK BACKWARDS WITHOUT TRUNING AROUND.

Present facts, not opinions
State motives

People never become definsive about what you're saying. People become definsive because of why they think you're saing it.

You know I care about your goals
You know that I care about you.
With enough safety you can talk about anything.

If safety is at risk, don't water down the content,
Can one person who disagrees respectfully make it safe for the entire group?
19/20 yes!

You cannot run away from a weakness. You must fight it out. Why not now, where you stand?

All my life I've wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.: Search for signs of Intelligent life inthe Universe

If I can change, it will improve the relationship.
a lot of evidence shows that if 1 changes, then the relationship improves

The Bonds that Make us Free

if each person wakes up each morning with an anxious concern for the other, then you're going to get good places. (Pres. Hinckley)